Episode Three - Halloween

Ezra addresses a listener who has challenged his claim that he is a Vermonter, and also his taste in music.  Then he finally gets to his Halloween tip, which involves the use of a family pet to guard against ghosts.

Transcript

Episode Three:  Halloween
Witchin’ Hour Blues, by Tampa Red, first verse –

Oh, hush, look, and listen
That witchin’ hour is here again
Oh, hush, look, and listen
That witchin’ hour is here again
With such a creepy old feelin’
It’s enough to drive a man insane

So, I still owe you a Halloween tip, don’t I?  And we’re gonna get to that, I promise, we’ll get there, uh, but first I, I just want to, uh, take a moment here, to, take care of a little business…

Ezra:  Uh, so I don’t do social media, right?  Never have, never will.  The wife has, um, you know, she’s got a couple of accounts, and, I, uh, I’ll admit it, I, I look over her shoulder once in a while, uh, for photographs, especially, that’s fun, but that’s it.  But this platform I’m usin’ for this, uh, podcast, I guess you call it, this platform has a comment feature, so I’ve been hearin’ from a few folks, listeners.  Well, yeah, most of em’ are friends, but, anyway, most of you sound pretty happy, so far, but there’s, um, there’s, uh, apparently, I’ve got one or two unsatisfied customers…so I’m just gonna read to you, here…uh…yeah…Dear Ezra, You claim to be from Vermont, but you sound like a hillbilly, and you play hillbilly music.  What’s up?  

Well…uh, so first of all, you’re throwin’ around the word hillbilly like that’s a bad thing, so I think we got a pretty good idea of where you’re comin’ from.  

No, no, I was not born here in Vermont.  I was born in the Midwest.  In a state that it, it always gets confused with Idaho and Ohio, so guess which one I’m talkin’ about.  So that’s where I was born, and raised.  But when I got out of high school, I --- oh, man --- so when I got out of high school I did two years of junior college, studied electronics, and, and when I was finished with --- so, Viet Nam was happenin’, big time, right, so I, basically I had two choices, I could enlist, or get drafted.  So I decided to enlist in the Air Force, and maybe reduce the odds of havin’ my ass shot off.  Uh, so I, so after I finished training I, I spent most of my stint in Thailand, as a wrench monkey, repairing F4s and F105s, then finished up on a reserve base here in Vermont, of all places, and I’ve been here ever since, I, yeah, I got married here, raised my kids here, paid my taxes here, for, uh, Jesus, it’s over fifty years now, so I’m from here as much as I’m from anywhere.  Okay?  Okay.

Now as for the music, uh, I think I already explained that, in my first, uh, that first segment.  I like old music, okay?  I like it a lot.  And you don’t wanna know what I think about music today, so, uh, we will just leave it at that…all right, so, um, so let's get to, let's get to this tip, the Halloween tip I mentioned earlier, yeah, uh, so I was watchin’ this TV program the other night, and, you know, it was, it was all this, all this bullshit about, you know, professionals coming to your house to get rid of the ghosts, if you got ‘em, evil spirits.  And anyway, it was, it was pretty much nonsense. But it, uh, [sound of car passing by] there are some situations…I mean, uh, I myself am not above believin’ in ghosts, uh…that’s the neighbor…he’s gonna be late for work…um, so no, I’m not above believin’ in ghosts, I’ve had, I've had, I’ve had one or two encounters and you know, it makes you wonder. So I got a tip for you people who might be trying to get rid of a certain kind of unwelcome guest. This is based on personal experience --- I tried this once as a little experiment and it, uh, you know, seemed to work. So here you go. So you got this room, right? And, sometimes when you go into this room, it gives you the creeps, and, uh, maybe you don't like sleepin’ in there. Maybe your wife or your guests, they don't like sleepin’ in there, either, ‘cause there's somethin’ goin’ on in there that's unpleasant, right? Okay, so here's what you do. Cats can see ghosts. Mm-hm.  That's just one of their things. They, it's the way their eyes and their brains work, I guess, they can pick up these images on their optical nerves --- I suppose, I suppose a cat's got an optical nerve, right? And they can see this thing. I have watched cats watch ghosts, and it's spooky. [Chuckle]  It's kind of fun to, but is spooky. So if you want to find out if you've got a ghost in a room or a closet or an attic…umm…I don't know about the basement.  I don't know if it’d work in the basement, but, um, anyway, so if you got problems with a ghost, right, what you do is you just send that cat, send that cat into the room, and close the door.  See what happens. If there's a ghost in that room, and if the cat finds it, sees it, spots it, more ‘n likely that --- whoa, it's gonna be all hell breakin’ loose --- that cat will freak out. It will, it will start squealin’ and snarlin’ and spittin’, you know? And that's, that's your ghost detector. That's your ghost alarm, you’re haunted, right? I tried this once, I tried it, I did, I threw, I threw the cat into the room, I closed the door, waited, um, I had to wait some more, uh, but then it started, the hissin’ and the spittin’ and the snarlin’ and the  --- whoa, it was freaky. [Chuckle] And it was Halloween. And no, I didn't, I didn't plan it that way. It was just, you know, October, you know, it was in the air, the spooks were in the air.  The cat found one, freaked out, came to the door, was clawin’ on the door, I opened the door, the cat just…tore, right down the hall, and out its favorite little secret exit, which, you know, everybody knew about, and we never saw it again. So that’s, you know, there's somethin’ you gotta factor in before you, uh, before you undertake an operation like this, because, uh --- well, I didn't like that particular cat, so, I mean, I, I didn't, I didn’t figure that the cat was gonna disappear, but I didn't like that cat, so, you know, when it did disappear, it was, it was okay with me. It was, uh, well, it was kind of two birds, right? The kids were upset for a while but, uh, we had other cats, so…so that's my Halloween story. My Halloween, uh, Halloween housekeepin’ tip for you to get rid of those ghosties.

Witchin’ Hour Blues, second verse ---

Now my doorknob’s rattlin’
My chair’s turnin’ round and round
My doorknob’s rattlin’
My chair’s turnin’ round and round
I can hear strange voices
And nobody can be found